damn, i’m tired. i’ve been tired for a few weeks. i’m drinking too much caffeine, not getting enough rest, nor am i getting enough sleep. the supertopsecretspecial project has me at a relatively high level of anxious, nervous stress. christmas at work means fitting four weeks’ worth of work into around two and a half weeks’ worth of time.
we finally started our christmas shopping last nite. we’re not lazy, nor are we procrastinators. we’ve just been busy. to be honest, i probably wouldn’t even remember it was christmas right now were it not for my neighbor having his front yard lit up like the griswald’s. did i mention he’s got it set up on some sort of “lights move with music” thing? yeah. it’s seizure inducing.
we started with the neice. she can’t read, so i don’t mind telling you that she’s getting a fleecy penguin, a titans bib, some sort of plush barnyard toy (trying to teach her to love the animals, not eat them) and a tummy time mat that doubles as a shopping cart protector/distracter thingy. i’m guessing she’ll be more fascinated with the wrapping paper than anything else…
the brother and sis in law will be taken care of by close of business tonite.
bwe? haven’t even started with her. i have some ideas on what to get her, but don’t wanna get the wrong thing and am trying to be sensible about how much i spend. not one of my better qualities.
as for me, i feel guilty for wanting anything for christmas. i already have so much stuff, and pretty much buy most of what i want. i’ve already mentally asked and unasked for a ps3 (we’re spending the money that i’d blow on that on new hardwood floors), a high def tv, a solo tent/bivy sack, guitar hero 3, a new camp stove, speakers for my car, and lots of other small stuff.
i hate christmas. no, i don’t. i love christmas. i love giving gifts and i love time with family and all that stuff. but i hate asking for stuff, or wanting things, or feeling like i should ask anyone to buy or give me anything. it’s frustrating. i’m always thinking of what the money that’s used to buy me stuff could be used for – medical bills, savings, new floors for the house, a new mattress set, etc. it makes me pretty much think that i’m a wasteful blob of poo to want anything when i have all that other stuff that should come first. i also feel guilty for getting sucked into the consumerism trappings of the holiday. a month ago i wanted NOTHING. today i want EVERYTHING.
i’m also frazzled and a little upset because i rarely get to see my family for christmas. all my cousins are at my aunt’s house in huntsville (tx), hanging out, telling stories, playing with the kids and we’re up here not seeing anyone. well, we’re going to knoxville this weekend to swap gifts with my brother and his fam. that’ll be cool. mom’s dead, which is always tough around christmas. dad’s halfway across the world. well, he might as well be, he just moved to west texas. we’ll spend all of christmas day going back and forth to memphis to see brooke’s family (some of whom hate me because of an email that i sent them a while back). so, yeah, i’ve got that going for me.
if i can get through the next 11 days without having a breakdown, it’ll be a christmas miracle. and if i can make it through the next 11 days without losing my marbles, i’m going for a 2-3 day solo backpacking trip. it’ll be good for me to spend some time in the woods with my demons.
here’s the shuffle:
1. christ’s saints of God fantasy – john fahey (a new possibility – john fahey’s christmas)
2. i saw mommy kissing santa claus – jackson 5 (a motown christmas); seriously. two christmas songs in a row?
3. rosalita (come out tonite) – bruce springsteen (the wild, the innocent, and the e street shuffle)
4. alison – elvis costello (my aim is true)
5. in the ghetto – elvis presley (elvis: 30 #1 hits); i always associate this song with christmas for some reason.
6. next year (acoustic) – foo fighters (2 meter sessions)
7. miracle – josh rouse (under cold blue stars); again, another song that makes me think of christmas. actually, this whole record does.
8. little saint nick (alternate version) – the beach boys (christmas with the beach boys); OKAY, NOW THIS IS GETTING WEIRD.
9. lighting the way – superdrag (in the valley of dying stars); that’s more like it.
10. my drug buddy – the lemonheads (best of…)
3983 sound files on the ipod. half of them are either christmas songs or i think of christmas when i hear them.
(sorry to sort’ve piss and moan here. i’m pretty crispy around the edges right now)
