more pictures

so, one of the stressful events that led to saturday’s episode (see last post) was a photo shoot in east tennessee. i’ve never done any modeling before (aside from having promo pictures taken), so i had no idea what to expect. it’s much like the recording process: you show up, and you wait. then you take some pictures, and you wait. you read magazines and do sudoku puzzles. you try to not smoke and you resist the urge to get shitfaced (successful on both counts thankyouverymuch).

anyway. i got a sneak peak of one of the sets we did. well, 1 picture anway. here it is:

i’ll post more as i get ‘em. some of them will be very interesting to say the least. think micheal stipe-ish makeup and oddly colored lights.

panic! at the gas station

there i was, saturday afternoon, tearing ass along i-40 towards nashville, excited about seeing bwe for the first time since thursday and going to the nashville predators first home game this season against the (much hated) detroit redwings.  ready to party, ready to scream and yell, ready to drink a couple of beers, ready to be home.

and then panic set in. literally. one minute i was driving down the road, rocking out to hockey talk, a little nervous about the game, but ready to rock. then i noticed that i wasn’t feeling good. my stomach was really upset, and i thought i might need a barf receptacle. the next minute my heart was racing, my breath got really shallow and all i could think was, “i’m about to die. on the interstate. i’m having a heart attack, or a stroke, or I DON’T KNOW WHAT BUT I’M FLIPPIN’ OUT!!!” i tried slowing myself down with calm thoughts and meditative breathing, but every time i thought it would get better it got worse. i saw the hospital sign for the hospital in cookeville, but kept driving, thinking to myself, “i can make it through this. i just had too much caffeine and i ate dinner too quickly. i’m fine. i’ll drive faster, get to the arena and i’ll be fine. no, i’m not fine. i’m dying. i’m having a heart attack. i’m by myself. i’m having a stroke. or an aneurysm. or maybe all three. what if it’s some type of allergic reaction to something i ate?” i couldn’t stop my brain from going absolutely apeshit with thoughts of my imminent (and fast approaching) demise. so, for the first (and hopefully last) time in my life, i called 911.

i told them where i was and within 5 minutes of me calling, a cop car and ambulance showed up. i told them what was happening, hopped in the back of the ambulance and they were able to get my breathing to normal and drop my heart rate. the emt told me that he thought i’d be fine and didn’t need to go to the hospital. i took his word for it, told brooke to go ahead and head to the game, that i’d be fine. then, as soon as i got off the phone with her, everything came back, twice as bad as before. so, for the second time in 45 minutes, i pulled over, called 911 and requested an ambulance. i got the same crew, which made things easier, and told them i wanted to go to the hospital. how was i supposed to know you couldn’t die from an anxiety attack? i’d never had one.

bwe got to the hospital around the middle of the first period. we watched the whole wings/preds game in an e.r. room. the fact that the preds kicked the crap out of the wings was a minor consolation to the fact that i was, for the second straight time, watching a wings/preds matchup from an e.r. bed. 3.5 hours, 2 injections of anti anxiety medicine, and a zanex prescription later, we were on our way back to rhinestone city with my car staying behind for the nite.

long story shortened: i think that general (and subconcious) stress & anxiety are what’s been causing the numbness issues. the neurologist a few weeks ago offered me antianxiety medicine as a possible way to make the numbness go away. the heart issues that are still being tested can cause anxiety attacks. i’ve been running myself non stop in 4 different directions since late august. maybe i just hit my boiling over point…we’ll see.

for now, i’m wearing a 48 hour heart monitor (scheduled last week pre attack), taking half a zanex every 8 hours and trying to figure out what i can slow down on. like david bowie said, ch-ch-ch-ch-changes…

it’s picture page, it’s picture page…

my talented and wonderful friend carie thompson has been taking some pictures of me over the past few days. if you ask me, they’re pretty flippin’ sweet. these were all taken during or after my recent show at the bluebird (who knew that the corner pub had such good colors?).

i’m pretty sure that there’s more where these came from, since she’s asked me to be in a fashion shoot this weekend and she took some shots of me at rumba on monday nite. i’ll post the good ones here and on my myspace profile.

 
(morrisey? i don’t know what you’re talking about.)

(see no and hear no are on my left. and equally jaded.)

 

but, seriously, is that what’s causing the problem?

i’d be remiss if i didn’t first let you guys know that YOUR nashville predators skate tonite against the columbus blue jackets at 6 central. it’s the 3rd game between the 2 teams in 6 nites, so it might be chippy (for you non hockey viewing readers, that means scrappy, hard fought and ill tempered). make sure to tune in.

alright. i just got back from the doctor. still don’t know much other than that:
-my cholesterol’s high (286 and 408, respectively). i find that very odd, since i’m vegetarian and try to eat a relatively healthy diet. but, come to think about it, i eat fast food at lunch probably 5 days a week. call morgan spurlock. i think he might be on to something…
-i have sinus arhythmia. that means my heart rate speeds up and slows down as i breathe. cool for party tricks and frustrating nurses trying to take your pulse, but is it a problem? i’ll find out wednesday.
-i also have something going on with my heart (the name escapes me) that normally is evident in someone who’s had high blood pressure for a while. not exactly the case with me but, okay.
-on wednesday i go to a heart specialist to begin looking into all of this mess. does it affect what’s going on with the numbness? couldn’t tell ya. but if i get to figure out that something’s wrong now as opposed to when i’m 50, i’ll take it.

thoughts, prayers, well wishes, etc. are all appreciated.

(oh, and there’s a new song on myspace. i’d love to let you guys hear it here, but i can’t figure out how to upload something besides a picture or a video.)

little bits of nothingness

i’m really busy and glum but enjoying standing up and seeing the grey weather today. it’s a perfect backdrop to the colors fighting to hang on to the trees.

 a few things are on my mind:

-last nite’s show was much more fun than i would’ve ever expected. the bluebird played the role of gracious hosts and the packed house made us all feel welcome. if you were able to make it out, please accept my sincere thanks. i’m going to try to get on more bills there, now that i’ve done it once…
-the corner pub will get more of my business in the near future…
-otis redding is a perfect match with grey, rainy days. (“dum dum ditty dee dum dum”)
-kinda can’t wait for hockey nite tonite. as busy as i am at work, i’m very distracted today (more on that in a sec). thinking a few pops and a few shots (we’re talking hockey, kids) will do me some good.
-bwe & i are oil & water right now. getting along fine, just not able to mix together. see: revolving around each other. we’ve elbowed out some room in our revolving-ness for date nite tomorrow and i couldn’t be happier. dinner and the ut/vandy hockey game at centennial.
-my mom died seven years ago today. i won’t say it snuck up on me since i’ve been watching the calendar creep towards today for 3 weeks, but i didn’t expect to be so blue about it today. this dealing with death shit is for the birds. i’m waiting for the year that november 16 (yes, that’s a 27) doesn’t completely own me. kinda. i mean, it’s nice being affected by it and nice to know that i still miss her, but sometimes i wish that her dying was more like a distant relative: you get a card from them on the holidays, think about them for a second and then go about the rest of your day. moving on…
-i’m gonna see a hypnotist to quit smoking. seriously. i smoke 2 cigarettes each nite before i turn in, and can’t seem to quit. it’s a total head game, so i’m gonna trick my head or program myself to not want to do it. simple as that.

that’s it. i’m off to lunch. go preds. miss you, ma.

interesting things i learned

i had an electrocardiogram today at lunch. uneventful, sure, but pretty cool all the same. here’s what i found out:

-buying the new issue of gq the morning before you have 2 dr’s appointments, and the day before you have an ultrasound is a good idea.
-1.45pm in doctor speak apparently means sometime after 2.15.
-ultrasounds are pretty flippin’ cool. i can’t imagine what it’d be like to see and hear a baby in one.
-they won’t let you have a recording of your heartbeat (i asked twice).
-sinus arythmea means that your heartrate speeds up and slows down with your breathing. based on the reaction when the guy noticed it, it’s not very dangerous.
-it apparently does not mean that one side of your body should be numb.
-your left lung covers your heart when you breathe, as far as the ultrasound is concerned.
-no matter your sexual orientation or weirdo fetishes, having a pudgy, middle aged guy with a grey, perm-mullet who’s wearing 5 gold rings, 2 gold chains, and at least 2 gold bracelets rub ultrasound jelly on your chest for 20 minutes (with the ultrasound wand, not his hand) is NOT cool. repeat, NOT COOL.
-ultrasound reading results take 4-5 days. bloodwork (done yesterday) takes a couple of days. i’ll keep you guys posted…

(un)comfortably numb

quick update before i try to focus on work:

 -spent the morning at the neurologists’ office in cool springs, only to be told that everything looked normal and that he wants me to go see someone at vandy for further testing. hells yeah.
-spent the early afternoon at the general practitioners’ office, both of us trying to figure out why the e.r. dr. wanted me to have a followup visit. in the end it was decided that i should have blood work done to test for, among other things: rocky mountain spotted fever, erlichia, lyme disease, graves disease, high cholestorol, kindney/liver function, and probably whether or not i was the third gunman.

at some point every doctor has asked if i’ve been under a lot of stress. not until you guys start mentioning brain lesions, ms and (insert weird disease here)…so they just hand the phd’s out now, do they?

so now, for the rest of the workday, i’m going to try focus on something other than the diminished lack of sensation on the left side of my body. maybe i can focus on this:

i’ve got a show wednesday nite at the bluebird. i’m pretty sure that it starts at 6, i know for sure that it’s free. i’m excited about it, mostly because it’s my maiden voyage at the bluebird, but also because it means i get to play with my friends the animators and bill lloyd. i’ll also be talking about songs (it’s one of those “in the round” things), so i’ll probably have 2 or 3 open-mouth-insert-foot moments. please come. and please bring friends…